In celebration of James Bond's birthday - this is closest I ever got to playing the role. I used to often be booked to act as comic host for SA's Sun City Dream Car draws at the Superbowl.
On one occasion the Superbowl team decided to take it outside and go with a Bond theme in the amphitheatre outside the Lost Palace. Sol Kerzner and Anneline Kriel were there and I thought, 'Okay this is my big break!'
For the big opening of the show, I was dressed in a smart dinner suit and looked fantastic and dishy in a really full figure kinda way. On the Bond themed music cue I was supposed to pop a wheelie and screech to a halt as I drove onto the stage in a smart canary yellow BMW.
I am the most over-careful driver you can imagine so basically after the cue came and what should have taken 10 seconds, I could see the stage manager rolling her eyes, as it took me about 3 minutes as I dropped the clutch and the car jerked in fits and starts to the centre stage position.
They had a Grace Jones lookalike waiting at the top above the back row of the amphitheatre with a blonde 'Bond girl' she had tied up against a railing who I now was supposed to rescue.
So I grabbed the prop shot gun from the back of the car and now had to race up the many stairs to rescue her. This would have taken the real Bond about 20 seconds to reach the top. I started off really fast but as I reached the 5th stair my body pointed out to me that I was not that fit and had to slow it right down and even use hands on knees to make the last few stairs to the top.
'Grace Jones' had by that stage had run off. The actress really had to dig deep to act as if I could ever be a threat. A real helicopter then flew over us which I then had to nervously fire blanks at. I was hyperventilating by this stage. Talk about having a panic attack! Then as the chopper disappeared out of view over the ridge, they had a huge explosion as if I had shot it down. Sure! The audience was really having to suspend whatever disbelief they had left!
By this stage with all the adrenaline rushing through my body I felt like I was about to faint, but I still had to untie the 'Bond Girl', - my fingers fumbled with the knots - and then the beautiful model grabbed me tightly around the neck and lifted her leg up across my crotch as Bond girls do ... I then swung her around so we faced the audience and delivered the 'line' .... wait for it .... 'The names Pot ...Jack Pot!'
Needless to say I never heard from or saw Sol or Anneline again. And at the memory of it I remain 'shaken' really shaken and I can be assured no-one was stirred!
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